Bill Hicks Quotations | Page 2

Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-f-king-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.

...I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An 'avenging GOD'? One who created Hell for those who don't believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I'm sorry, but... no. Wrong. You're wrong. That's an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don't you get it?

In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night

It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.

I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.

We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?

....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?

I've said all that I've had to say.

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.".

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?

I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f-king cross?

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the f-k? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York...Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye!

Humanity is just a virus with shoes.

I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.

I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego...

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet...

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...

Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister.

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth... see you at the final.

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.

The world's like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?...You can see why the government's cracking down.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?...

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?

I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

You all saw him - he had a gun.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour--appearing in small Southern towns--in front of handfuls of hillbillies.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is - and it is - it is merely a ride...

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever.

Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells...

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.

I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!

Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Beleive or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.

The waitress comes over to me like, 'What'chu readin' for?' I had never been asked that. Not 'What am I reading?' but 'What am I reading for?' Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don't end up being a... waffle waitress.