Bill Hicks Funny Quotations

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well...we looked at the receipts."

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.