Fred Allen Humor Quotations

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.