Fred Allen Funny Quotations

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.