Garrison Keillor Funny Quotations

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Mark Twain told jokes, but they somehow stayed funny for a hundred years; they're still funny today. When Mark Twain said, 'He was a good man in the worst sense of the word,' we know exactly what he's talking about. When he said 'Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds,' it still is funny. Mark Twain was really a miracle.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?