Dylan Moran Funny Quotations

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is.

You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently-I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

You look like a horse in a man costume

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga...bt...jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga...ba...ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.