Steven Wright Funny Quotations

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

How young can you die of old age?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Sometimes I... No, I don't.