Will Rogers Funny Quotations

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

So live that you would not mind selling your pet parrot to the town gossip

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

A company is known by the people it keeps.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

Common sense ain't common.

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.

Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely