George Lopez Funny Quotations

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.

I can never do nothing in this house!

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.