Groucho Marx Witty Quotations

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

All geniuses die young.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Any place I hang my head is home.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.