Jeff Foxworthy Funny Quotations

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.