Witty Quotations | Page 9

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.

Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself.

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.

I love making friends.... it's people I can't stand.

Everyone striving to be witty and sought-after, everyone talking and no one listening...

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.

I identify more with women than with men. I guess I have a strong feminine side.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

When you talk yourself, you think how witty, how original, how acute you are; but when another does so, you are very apt to think only - What a crib from Rochefoucauld!

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. "Will you swear?" And Myrnin said, shockingly, "I will." And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, "--frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!" and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. "Is that what you meant, my lord?

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

The second mouse gets the cheese!

I love the working class, and everyone from it that I've met, and think they're incredible witty, inventive - there's a lot of poetry there. A lot of rough stuff as well. What there is, too, is an awful lot of expressiveness and intelligence and originality down there. And a lot of thwarted intelligence.

There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature - the malice of a good thing is the barb that makes it stick.

It almost takes people by surprise when I'm not a big talker. Because I'm known as being sort of a loud mouth. I have a lot to say. But I try to be more thoughtful with my comments or reactions, unless it's something witty or hysterical that I just can't keep myself from blurting or tweeting!

When I think of Cool Britannia I think of old people dying of hypothermia.

This is how we court girls in America. We grab them and kiss them. And if they don't like it, we do it again, harder and longer, until they surrender. It saves us hours of witty repartee.

Faced with having to change our views or prove that there is no need to do so, most of us immediately get busy on the proof.

A witty writer is like a porcupine; his quill makes no distinction between friend and foe.

I have never been able to understand the complaint that a story is "depressing" because of its subject matter. What depresses me are stories that don't seem to know these things go on, or hide them in resolute chipperness; "witty stories," in which every problem is the occasion for a joke; "upbeat" stories that flog you with transcendence. Please. We're grown ups now.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

If you like me, raise your hand. If you don't, raise your standards

Well Mandira, I hope not. You see, I started both their careers. And as far as i can remember, I started yours too.

Yeah, I treat all my heroines like children now. I pick them up, I cuddle them, I call them baby...

I don't write cheques anymore because I end up signing them "with love, shan rukh"

I would tell the world that Shahrukh is the better actor

I am like a Rolls- Royce. I can run without an engine, purely on reputation

If you ask that question again ma'am, I will have to ask you your age

When will you start asking different questions? Better questions?

Yes it's going really well. We are planning on having a baby together.

I'm not bisexual, I'm tri-sexual. I try everything

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Witty and mean is easy - but fond and funny is hard.

I’d discovered, after a lot of extreme apprehension about what spoons to use, that if you do something incorrect at table with a certain arrogance, as if you knew perfectly well you were doing it properly, you can get away with it and nobody will think you are bad-mannered or poorly brought up. They will think you are original and very witty.

If I read as many books as most men do, I would be as dull-witted as they are.

For such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned, yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves, for they see their own wit at hand, and other men's at a distance. But this proveth rather that men are in that point equal, than unequal. For there is not ordinarily a greater sign of the equal distribution of any thing than that every man is contented with his share.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

At once, it’s clear I cannot gush. We try me playing cocky, but I just don’t have the arrogance. Apparently, I’m too “vulnerable” for ferocity. I’m not witty. Funny. Sexy. Or mysterious By the end of the session, I am no one at all.

By the end of the session, I am no one at all. Haymitch started drinking somewhere around witty, and a nasty edge has crept into his voice. "I give up, sweetheart. Just answer the questions and try not to let the audience see how openly you despise them.

I'm trying to think of a witty comeback, when Boggs says brusquely, “Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.” I decide to go ahead and like Boggs.

The female characters in my books tend to be independent, frisky, spunky, witty, emotionally strong, erotically daring, spiritually oriented and intellectually generous; in short, the kind of women I admire in real life.

I like marriage. The idea.

The habit of getting up early, which I had formed when the children were young, now became my choice. I am not very bright or very witty or very inventive after the sun goes down.

A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

The discovery of the good taste of bad taste can be very liberating. The man who insists on high and serious pleasures is depriving himself of pleasure; he continually restricts what he can enjoy; in the constant exercise of his good taste he will eventually price himself out of the market, so to speak. Here Camp taste supervenes upon good taste as a daring and witty hedonism. It makes the man of good taste cheerful, where before he ran the risk of being chronically frustrated. It is good for the digestion.

Surrealism in painting amounted to little more than the contents of a meagerly stocked dream world: a few witty fantasies, mostly wet dreams and agoraphobic nightmares.

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.

MAKE STATEMENTS also applies to us women: Speak in statements instead of apologetic questions. No one wants to go to a doctor who says, “I’m going to be your surgeon? I’m here to talk to you about your procedure? I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

Lesson learned? When people say, "You really, really must" do something, it means you don't really have to. No one ever says, "You really, really must deliver the baby during labor." When it's true, it doesn't need to be said.

(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

You must not look in that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet, for today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.

You have to remember that actors are human beings. Which is hard sometimes because they look so much better than human beings.

Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.

Either way, everything will be fine. But if you have an opinion, please feel free to offer it to me through the gap in the door of a public restroom. Everyone else does.

[Shahrazad] had perused the books, annals and legends of preceding Kings, and the stories, examples and instances of by gone men and things; indeed it was said that she had collected a thousand books of histories relating to antique races and departed rulers. She had perused the works of the poets and knew them by heart; she had studied philosophy and the sciences, arts and accomplishments; and she was pleasant and polite, wise and witty, well read and well bred.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

It's late, I'm tired, and your cigarettes are giving me a headache," I growled. "I suppose that's fair." He drew in on the cigarette and let out the smoke. "Some women think they make me look sexy." "I think you smoke them so you have something to do while thinking up your next witty line." He choked on the smoke, caught between inhaling and laughing. "Rose Hathaway, I can't wait to see you again. If you're this charming while tired and annoyed and this gorgeous while bruised and in ski clothes, you must be devastating at your peak.

I always love it whenever Rose delivers one of her witty one-liners—particularly when it’s a completely serious situation. The contrast always amuses me, but then, I’m biased.

Count on Jill Shalvis for a witty, steamy, unputdownable love story.

Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

My mama is my best friend. We have fun, we can talk about anything, she always is on my side but really quick to tell me when I'm wrong. That's a true friend. She's loyal, smart, witty and intelligent. She loves family and loves to travel. All the things I love!

My commentary's hilarious, not witty.

Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.

In two words, impossible.

It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.

Modern dancing is old fashioned.

There is a statue of limitation.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.