Witty Quotations | Page 11

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Any place I hang my head is home.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

How often, when we have been nearest each other bodily, have we really been farthest off! Our tongues were the witty foils with which we fenced each other off.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Most women defend themselves. It is the female of the species-it is the tigress and lioness in you which tends to defend when attacked.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Men write many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man has a voice, brutal laws are impossible

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling;the comic and the witty story upon the matter.

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called 'educated' making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious life to the history of the people they think themselves witty in insulting? [...] The best thing that can be said of it is, that it is a sign of the intellectual narrowness—in plain English, the stupidity which is still the average mark of our culture.

People who live in an age of corruption are witty and slanderous; they know that there are other kinds of murder than by dagger or assault; they also know that whatever is well said is believed...

There are no facts, only interpretations.

Woman was God's second mistake.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Nobody thanks a witty man for politeness when he puts himself on a par with a society in which it would not be polite to show one's wit.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Women should be tough, tender, laugh as much as possible, and live long lives. The struggle for equality continues unabated, and the woman warrior who is armed with wit and courage will be among the first to celebrate victory.

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.

Women, as some witty Frenchman once put it, inspire us with the desire to do masterpieces and always prevent us from carrying them out.

It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

I won't belong to a club that accepts me as a member

I can resist everything except temptation.

Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.

You are never too old to become younger!

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

I've been things and seen places.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up.

I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.