Robin Williams Humor Quotations

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.