Robin Williams Funny Quotations

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

Reality: What a concept!

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'