Steven Wright American Quotations

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.