Steven Wright Humorous Quotations

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.