Steven Wright People Quotations

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

a tax on people who are bad at math.

It's a big deal for us. We have over 200 people registered. They're coming from all over the United States. We have people coming from Canada, Bermuda.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...