Steven Wright Comedian Quotations

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.