Steven Wright Life Quotations

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?