Steven Wright Time Quotations

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?