Andy Borowitz Funny Quotations

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.