Bob Monkhouse Humor Quotations

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.