Bob Monkhouse Funny Quotations

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

I got my start in silent radio.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'