George Burns Humor Quotations

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'