Humor Quotations | Page 5

I'm sick to death of famous people standing up and using their celebrity to promote a cause. If I see a particular need, I do try to help. But there's a lot that can be achieved by putting a check in the right place and shutting up about it.

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The interesting thing about humor is that in humor, you - in logic, something is A or not A. In humor, it's both A and not A.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

My humor is channeling everything through my brain. For example, when I talk about something, it's how Richard Lewis feels about it. I'm a storyteller. I do a lot of free association.

Leonard Cohen has a way with words and with humor that remind me to lighten up, which I appreciate very much.

I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor.

I think humor can be an effective way of getting the point across, but there are definitely times where I just write very earnestly.

Religious humor is not really my area, so I probably wouldn't do anything about that, or politics or something.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists.

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary.

I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Rowling is a luminous storyteller. I love her sense of humor and the intricate wizarding world she built around Hogwarts. I think all writers aspire to be like her, to capture readers like she does. But I didn't think about 'Harry Potter' when I wrote 'The Bone Season.'

Humor was not important only for me, humor was important for this nation for centuries, to survive, you know.

Every black film feels like it's Tyler Perry, and that just needs to stop. But people seem to slowly be looking for what else is out there - 'Is there something else besides this type of humor?' 'I'm tired of seeing men in dresses.'

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

As I get older, my sense of humor is my biggest asset.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

I mean, yeah, I'm sure that Python and the other things have paved the way for a greater understanding of the British sense of humor, but I don't think it's all that different than the American sense of humor.

Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

In rough times, pathfinders rely on work, friends, humor and prayer. They develop a support network.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny.

There are psychological repercussions to illness and we need a little more help to get through the effects not only on the afflicted but on the family. And I think there's even a place for humor in that.

John Lennon, who was a good friend of mine, he had one of the best senses of humor of any human being. And Keith Richards, fantastic sense of humor. They were smart, sharp. They had their own thoughts on matters.

Negative humor is forgotten immediately. It's the stuff that makes us feel better about our lives that lives long. Much more satisfying. Enter children's books.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

I want everything I do to have humor in it, because it seems to me that all of life has that.

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Brits have a better sense of humor in most ways. It's darker, more cutting.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Cervantes is the most important Spanish writer. But he is not the most representative of the Spanish. His irony, his sense of humor - they are too subtle to seem Spanish.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of humor.

It's an amusing idea to some, this feminism thing - this audacious notion that women should be able to move through the world as freely, and enjoy the same inalienable rights and bodily autonomy, as men. At least, that's the impression given when feminism and feminists are all too often the targets of lazy humor.

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

God has a most wicked sense of humor.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.

Jerry Seinfeld is amazing in many ways, not the least of them his ability to find humor, and convincing us to find it, too, in the million-and-two details about modern life that under different circumstances might send us into paroxysms of rage.

Humor's always been the problem of my work, hasn't it? When working, I feel satisfied when I surprise myself. And when I surprise myself, I wind up laughing.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Bands from Akron have a sense of humor and don't tend to take themselves too seriously.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

I don't feel that I'm strictly Danish; I don't feel that my sense of humor is strictly Danish or my human sensibility is strictly Danish.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

With actors like Steve McQueen, Paul Newman and Harrison Ford, what made them such icons is that even in dramatic movies, their characters had a sense of humor.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

People with no humor, they're outta my life.

It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor.