Witty Quotations | Page 6

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

In the long-run every Government is the exact symbol of its People, with their wisdom and unwisdom; we have to say, Like People like Government.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office.

If you give your life as a wholehearted response to love, then love will wholeheartedly respond to you.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Some BuzzFeed articles are written by smart people who use complete sentences. Some of the disposable lists are witty and appear to have taken some effort to put together.

One may be continually abusive without saying any thing just; but one cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty

Next to being witty yourself, the best thing is being able to quote another's wit.

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.

She's very kind-hearted and very witty and funny. You watch her play and she has this scowl on her face, but she has those qualities in her. She can make you laugh.

She was beautiful and witty and charmed everyone anew each time she spoke with us. Just imagine this lot of oft besotted fun hogs sitting at dinner with coat and tie listening intently to the words of this diminutive diplomat of decency and decorum.

Glenda Adams has written a wicked and witty novel.

There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be.

If I freely may discover What should please me in my lover, I would have her fair and witty, Savouring more of court than city; A little proud, but full of pity; Light and humorous in her toying, Oft building hopes, and soon destroying, Long, but sweet in the enjoying; Neither too easy nor to hard; All extremes I would have barr'd.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.

A zebra does not change its spots.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

Vote early and vote often.

We fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and witty as we are ugly, stupid, and dull. But what if such a perfect being should one day turn around and decide they will love us back? We can only be somewhat shocked-how can they be as wonderful as we had hoped when they have the bad taste to approve of someone like us?

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

Il ne faut point donner d'esprit a' ses personnages; mais savoir les placer dans des circonstances qui leur en donnent. You should not give wit to your characters, but know instead how to put them in situations which will make them witty.

I did buy 'The Sun' a few times, but I just don't read the tabloids. Sometimes they can have genius witty headlines, but that's all. There's nothing to read.

He was incredibly smart, witty and friendly. Everybody's really devastated by this.

He is forced to be literate about the illiterate, witty about the witless and coherent about the incoherent.

He was also great personal company: charming, witty and mischievous. He was my hero as well as my friend.

He has a very witty way of dealing with very powerful subject matter. He's going to hypnotize his audience.

My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone.

Trying to be witty leads to lying, more or less.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

We had a man as dashing as Sheridan, as unique and picturesque as the slow-moving, taciturn Grant, as charming as Jackson, as witty as old Billy Sherman, as brave as Paul Jones.

He grinned. “Busted. I’m a monster. Jev is my deceptively harmless — and shockingly handsome — alter ego.” “And I’m on top of it,” she announced with witty triumph. “Is that a Freudian slip?” His bluntness caught her off guard. A self-conscious blush rose in her face.

Every woman should have a purse of her own.

Most people sitting at home aren't cool, successful, witty Hollywood stars, but they all worry about what people think of them when they faux pas.

I didn't like parties.I didn't know how to dance and people frightened me, especially people at parties. They attempted to be sexy and gay and witty and although they hoped they were good at it, they weren 't. They were bad at it. Their trying so hard only made it worse.

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

Under every stone lurks a politician.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

I don't believe any experiment until it is confirmed by theory. I find this is a witty inversion of "conventional" wisdom.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

I rant, therefore I am

A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever. One is not meant to laugh. One stays quiet and marvels. Spontaneously witty talk is without question the most fascinating entertainment there is.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

As an actor, you can really play the intensity and gravity and seriousness of the moment, and just rely on the circumstances being funny. The joke is kind of the situation you're in, or the way you're reacting to something, as opposed to the characters just saying something witty.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

writers of novels are so busy being solitary that they haven't time to meet one another. But then, a writer learns nothing from a writer, conversationally. If a writer has anything witty, profound or quotable to say he doesn't say it. He's no fool. He writes it.

When Gary is commentating I wish CBS would give him a little more but they know it could drop them over the edge because he's very witty and very smart. The wit is almost slightly over the top.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

My main problem is that over and over again, I try to get all my characters to say stuff that I think is so witty or erudite you know, so that everybody will go.

It is terribly amusing how many different climates of feelings one can go through in one day.

The mass media causes sexual misdirection: It prompts us to need something deeper than what we want. This is why Woody Allen has made nebbish guys cool; he makes people assume there is something profound about having a relationship based on witty conversation and intellectual discourse. There isn't. It's just another gimmick, and it's no different than wanting to be with someone because they're thin or rich or the former lead singer of Whiskeytown.

Blessed is the satirist; and blessed the ironist; blessed the witty scoffer, and blessed the sentimentalist; for each, having seen one spoke of the wheel, thinks to have seen all, and is content.

Every time a message seems to grab us, and we think, 'I just might try it,' we are at the nexus of choice and persuasion that is advertising.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

Elgar is not manic enough to be Russian, not witty or pointilliste enough to be French, not harmonically simple enough to be Italian and not stodgy enough to be German. We arrive at his Englishry by pure elimination.

What I need is a woman who is something, anything: either very beautiful or very kind or in the last resort very wicked; very witty or very stupid, but something.

What matters most is that we learn from living.

People don't buy from clowns.

I tried to think of a witty play on Every picture tells a thousand words, but then the whole word/picture thing collapsed on me.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Women who are not living ought to spend all their time cracking jokes. In a rotten society women grow witty; making a heaven while they wait.

HENRY: Now it is necessary to court her, and win her, and put on this clean dressing gown, and cut my various nails, and drink something that will kill the millions of germs in my mouth, and say something flattering, and be witty and bonny, and hale and kinky, all just to ease this wrinkle in the groin. It seems a high price.

Women, somehow, have the same fear of witty men as of fireworks.

If I indulge myself and surrender to memory, I can still feel the knot of excitement that gripped me as I turned the corner into Rue Mimosas, looking for the house of Rene Magritte. It was August, 1965. I was 33 years old and about to meet the man whose profound and witty surrealist paintings had contradicted my assumptions about photography.

I earn and pay my own way as a great many women do today. Why should unmarried women be discriminated against - unmarried men are not.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Dr. Seuss provided "ingenious and uniquely witty solutions to the standing problem of the juvenile fantasy writer: how to find, not another Alice, but another rabbit hole.

Winning supporters over can only really be achieved by what you do, not what you say. It's no use just smiling and shaking hands and getting quoted with witty one-liners.

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."

Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the clearing of rainforests in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?

Zimbabweans are so smart and witty and able to weave together tons of situations and experiences into terminologies that are just utterly original.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

If it doesn't sell, it isn't creative.

Today there are millions of people making stuff and putting it into the world: that's become part of our identity and it shouldn't be limited to people who fancy themselves writers, or who are particularly witty or talented.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.