Witty Quotations | Page 5

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

The philosophy behind much advertising is based on the old observation that every man is really two men - the man he is and the man he wants to be.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Judges ought to be more leaned than witty, more reverent than plausible, and more advised than confident. Above all things, integrity is their portion and proper virtue.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

In expanding the field of knowledge we but increase the horizon of ignorance.

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I never cared for fashion much, amusing little seams and witty little pleats: it was the girls I liked.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

What I don't like is snark for snark's sake. If you are going to make fun of me, at least be witty while doing it.

That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

I often feel I'm a disappointment to people because they expect me to be the guy in the books. When I sit next to someone at a dinner party I can see they expect me to be quick and witty, and I'm not at all.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear.

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

Everything deep is also simple and can be reproduced simply as long as its reference to the whole truth is maintained. But what matters is not what is witty but what is true.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Witty inspirations are the proverbs of the educated.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first six months you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the next six months you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got here.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

College isn't the place to go for ideas.

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are equally free, they claim to be absolutely equal.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.

In the television age, the key distinction is between the candidate who can speak poetry and the one who can only speak prose.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.

Democracy is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.

Howard Zinn was magical as a teacher. Witty, irreverent, and wise, he loved what he was teaching and clearly wanted his students to love it, also.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Logic is in the eye of the logician.

If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.