Witty Quotations | Page 4

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

In fact, to gull a fool seems to me an exploit worthy of a witty man.

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I read the book of Job last night, I don't think God comes out well in it.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

If you fight angry, you make a lot of mistakes, and when you fight a sharp, witty fighter like me, you can't make mistakes.

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

Democracy is the only system that persists in asking the powers that be whether they are the powers that ought to be.

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

There is no problem so big it cannot be run away from.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Nothing is more witty and grotesque than ancient mythology and Christianity; that is because they are so mystical.

Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

I'm shy. I am. I mean, if I get around, you know, in a room of a bunch of people especially I - you know, I don't know or - it takes me a while to warm up. I'm - and the real me, I'm not as witty as, you know, as the comic Wanda. The comic, she's had time to work on some things.

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.

Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another's wit.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

God... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault.

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.