Ambrose Bierce Funny Quotations

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.