Bill Engvall Humor Quotations

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.