Bo Burnham Funny Quotations

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.