Erma Bombeck Funny Quotations

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

He who laughs.....lasts.