Josh Billings Funny Quotations

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

I've never known an auctioneer to lie unless it was absolutely necessary.