Witty Quotations | Page 2

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Wit is the appearance, the external flash of imagination. Thus its divinity, and the witty character of mysticism.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

There's a real emphasis on being witty in Scotland, even in crime novels.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

One movie I think is just terrific is 'Bernie,' with Jack Black and Shirley MacLaine. That was a great surprise to me - so witty, so entertaining, a true story, and I'm not a great Jack Black fan, but he's great in it. I think it's a gem.

A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed.

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

There is an element of seduction in shoes that doesn't exist for men. A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

Many a witty inspiration is like the surprising reunion of befriended thoughts after a long separation.

Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can and surely will at times fail. Other vulnerabilities, like being embarrassed or risking love, can be terrifying, too. I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Music has shaped men's fashion, and transposed in a playful and witty manner its riding or military heritage. It is difficult to figure out who leads, but music and fashion are connected genetically.

Now, where does my comedy come from, like, as a human being? Yeah, when I was a kid I was dyslexic and had to go to special-ed every day and felt stupid about that and got very witty to defend myself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

A woman may have a witty tongue or a stinging pen but she will never laugh at her own individual shortcomings.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Generally speaking, there is more wit than talent in the world. Society swarms with witty people who lack talent.

Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

In Korean, my lyrics are witty and have twists. But translated into English, it doesn't come over. I've tried writing in English, just for me, but it doesn't work. I've got to know everything about a culture, and I don't.

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.

I've been enjoying 'Life on the Mississippi' by Mark Twain that I picked up at the airport randomly. It's very witty and interesting to read about his time as a steamboat pilot.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

My philosophy towards life is to enjoy it to the fullest and have fun. I am one of those 'laugh-out-loud' kinds. I am quirky, yet witty.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

This is one of his most human and most amusing and witty novels. The characters are very Indian. I decided that I wanted to do a comedy, so this was just the right one.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.