Witty Quotations | Page 3

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Being a journalist is good if you want to write books: it teaches you to get beyond the blank screen. My books have been described as froth, but there's scope to be witty and ironic about everything in life.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

I read part of it all the way through.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

People who can't be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

It is perfectly possible to live a very moral life without a belief in God, and I think it's perfectly possible to live a life peppered with ill-doing and believe in God.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

A fool and his words are soon parted.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Nowadays three witty turns of phrase and a lie make a writer.

I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn't had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn't see me when I walked in the room.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.

This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals.

Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'

The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I like my man to be witty; he needs a sense of humour and needs to be extremely well-mannered.

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

The middle class is doing fine in fiction. But it's not what gets me going. I love the working class, and everyone from it I've met, and think they're incredibly witty, inventive - there's a lot of poetry there.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Whenever I start feeling too arrogant about myself, I always take a trip to the U.S. The immigration guys kick the star out of my stardom.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money.

The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

The truth is more important than the facts.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

You have to love your children unselfishly. That's hard. But it's the only way.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.