Robert Benchley Funny Quotations

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.