Steve Martin Funny Quotations

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . . But never at dusk.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that...

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.