Winston Churchill Funny Quotations

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

There is no such thing as a good tax.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

A joke is a very serious thing.

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened

Don't argue about the difficulties. The difficulties will argue for themselves.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

There's no such thing as a good tax.