George Carlin Funny Quotations [Page 2]

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.