Witty Quotations | Page 12

No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.

I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

I'm single because I was born that way.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

Hatred is blind, as well as love.

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities.

I know not whether Laws be right, Or whether Laws be wrong; All that we know who be in jail Is that the wall is strong; And that each day is like a year, A year whose days are long.

Genius is born-not paid

If you want to be witty, say what you think at all times

Poesy is a beauteous damsel, chaste, honourable, discreet, witty, retired, and who keeps herself within the limits of propriety. She is a friend of solitude; fountains entertain her, meadows console her, woods free her from ennui, flowers delight her; in short, she gives pleasure and instruction to all with whom she communicates.

A father may have a child who is ugly and lacking in all the graces, and the love he feels for him puts a blindfold over his eyes so that he does not see his defects but considers them signs of charm and intelligence and recounts them to his friends as if they were clever and witty.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

There is nothing as tragic as being alive and not enjoying life... Life should be celebrated!

You can look at a person's attitude and know what kind of thinking is prevalent in his life... It's better to be positive and wrong than negative and right!

Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

I think it would be a good idea.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

A clever man commits no minor blunders.

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all

Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom

No man should travel until he has learned the language of the country he visits. Otherwise he voluntarily makes himself a great baby - so helpless and so ridiculous.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I knew a witty physician who found theology in the biliary duct, and used to affirm that if there was a disease in the liver, the man became a Calvinist, and if that organ was sound, he became a Unitarian.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.

Laughter not only makes the journey endurable and even enjoyable, it also helps keep us healthy.... Be like a child: learn to laugh more!

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

A witty statesman said, you might prove anything by figures.

The present generation, wearied by its chimerical efforts, relapses into complete indolence. Its condition is that of a man who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for remaining in bed.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Nothing uses up alcohol faster than political argument.

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that's where it [my comedy] all started.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.

A witty saying proves nothing.

Common sense is not so common.

God created sex. Priests created marriage.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

A witty quote proves nothing.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I like children - fried.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

The wicked at heart probably know something.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

The heart wants what it wants.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party