Bob Hope Funny Quotations

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.