Steven Wright Quotations | Page 2

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

How young can you die of old age?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I felt I could've got him out. Coach made a good decision because we ended up getting him out anyway.

I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven.

I was cesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X factor remains any flow-on effect from petrol prices.

I was just getting too ahead of myself. I was rushing.

I think that was our best defensive game of the year.

It happens so fast, and I've been doing it so long that it's unconscious,

It didn't look like they were comfortable. Coach K and Esteban worked it in and out today, so (WIU) didn't know what was coming, so they didn't get any good swings.

We have run the hydro system harder than it was supposed to be run this year.

The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament, and we have five games this weekend, so I figure if I can finish the game off, I can give 'em a little rest so they can go out and get the next four games.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The statue is permanently out of place in my house,

I've wanted to do it since I was 14 years old, from watching 'The Tonight Show,' watching Johnny (Carson) and the other comedians. Something clicked in me that I wanted to be one of those guys, someone who came out and made the audience laugh.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I haven't done a film in about five years and I want to do more. It's not a matter of expense, because budgets are low, it's the problem of not having a really good idea.

I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll probably hang out with him tonight. It's just another game to me.

a tax on people who are bad at math.

In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably double that in revenue.

It's a big deal for us. We have over 200 people registered. They're coming from all over the United States. We have people coming from Canada, Bermuda.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.