Steven Wright Quotations | Page 5

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I was skydiving horizontally.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Clones are people two.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

always remember your unique, just like everone else

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Because I don't believe everything I read.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I can't stop thinking like this.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.