Steven Wright Humor Quotations [Page 2]

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I was an only child, eventually.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Half the people you know are below average.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I lost a button hole.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I was skydiving horizontally.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Clones are people two.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?