Steven Wright Humor Quotations [Page 3]

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

A metaphor is like a simile.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.