Steven Wright Funny Quotations [Page 2]

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

What a nice night for an evening.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I was an only child, eventually.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Half the people you know are below average.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I lost a button hole.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

The sky already fell. Now what?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I was skydiving horizontally.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."