Steven Wright Funny Quotations [Page 3]

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Clones are people two.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.